Lisey Plus Three

As long as I can remember, I have gone out of my mind during what I now know as the luteal phase of my menstrual cycle. I clearly remember going off the deep end the night before my first period. I’d been moody for days. I had gotten yelled at about the printer (whatever) and that was enough to make me think I needed to end my life. I made myself take 20 Tylenol (I was 13, give me a break). Then as I started having physical symptoms like cramping, vomiting and a massive headache, I begged my mom to take me to the ER. You know when we got there… boom, period. Awesome.

It wasn’t until my late 20s that I learned about PMDD. It’s Pre-Menstrual Dysphoric Disorder, and it is real. You can google, but basically my brain chemistry cannot handle hormonal shifts. It is not the hormone levels, but the changes of them that create symptoms of intense depression, rage, and suicidal ideation. It makes interactions with anyone difficult, and especially close relationships. It makes having a job difficult. Especially combined with the lack of sleep from working nights.

Now that I am aware of it and know it’s coming, it’s understandable, but the intense feelings do not go away. I’ve tried almost every birth control there was up until 28. I had nightmarish issues with bleeding from one, cystic acne from another, as well as painful fibroadenomas and an ovarian cyst. I finally just said screw it.

I’ve tried taking medication and increasing the dose during that time, but it still shows up. It is always a tortuous 10-14 days where I just don’t want to do anything. The best I ever did with it was while I could get to hot yoga and run every other day.

I’ve just started cycling again after having the triplets and add in the fact that THEY ARE GOING INSANE RIGHT NOW… let’s say I’m having a rough patch.

The boys are 7.5 months actual, about 6 adjusted now. They’re amazing. They’re big, they’re happy and silly. They’re driving me crazy.

They have gotten so busy trying to become mobile that they cannot be bothered to do anything else. Mainly, eating. Then we go to bed and need to eat all night about every 3-4 hours. We tried a lot of different strategies, but less milk meant more waking times three and it’s just awful. So now they don’t want to eat all day but are awake and unpleasant and frustrated by trying to move and me trying to reverse their reversed feeding cycle.

This cycle, I’ve become unable to tolerate this frustration. I found myself yesterday literally growling after failing to feed the babies during daytime hours. I was so crazy, I had to remove myself. I got them all to nap and took off on my first run in years. A whole whopping mile. But I felt a little better after.

I don’t know how to get the boys back on track. I think there will just have to be a lot of crying. From all of us.

But maybe I can start to get myself back on track and embrace the crazy triplet momma life.